Adults - How to be better human beings?
The psyche behind ‘boys Locker Room’ is not limited to social
media or a specific age group. It is a deep-rooted systemic issue found
pervasively in all strata of society. There are very few safe spaces where
women are respected and treated fairly. Be it home or work space, they are
constantly at risk of exploitation, abuse and victimization. Every incident
puts more and more embargo on women while leaving the perpetrators to walk away
freely.
Parents do try to give the best of upbringing and values to
their progeny. But, as mentioned earlier, kids learn from their surroundings,
and pick up subtle behaviour from immediate family members. When ‘gender role
consistent’ behaviours have been part of upbringing, the thought process and
reactions are stereotypical, and breaking away from it is not easy. While talking
about adults, we’ve to learn to mention every context in gender neutrality.
Aim of this narrative is not to ridicule or be judgmental
about any gender, but to present harsh realities which stare in our face every
now and then.
What is gender based stereotypical behaviour?
- Gender based stereotypical behaviour is an amalgam of our vocabulary, nonverbal expressions, biased feelings, and prejudiced thought process against the other gender.
- If one has not seen gender neutral settings, explicit reactions may not be biased, but implicitly we are different.
- During emotional state of mind or inebriated state, the automatic pre-learnt behaviours come out as sexist attitude, and misogynous reactions.
What has changed in the society recently?
- 15 - 20 years ago, our families were not that scattered. Lives were intertwined within communities and extended families. People knew each other and fear of community forced most of the people to comply to prescribed norms and rules.
- Now, situation is different. In large cities and metros, there is limited socialization, ample online connectivity, with no accountability. This provides a platform for ambiguous behaviour as one can get away by doing things which would’ve not been possible otherwise.
- Moral values have not diminished, but
our moral boundaries have shrunk to become more individualistic and
self- centrist. We want these good values and privileges for ourselves,
but we don’t want
to extend these to strangers, and to people who are less powerful, less
privileged,
or of a weaker sex. Anyone who is vulnerable, needy and dependent is
more prone
to exploitation. What is the general mindset about working women?
- With advent of technology, things started changing with a very fast pace during the past fifteen years. Metros and major cities started becoming hub of education and job opportunities. A large number of young populations, irrespective of gender, had access to higher education, and moved to big cities alone, in search of employment. This brought people hailing from varied socioeconomic backgrounds, and diverse upbringings together.
- This heterogeneous population consisting of both genders, studies alongside in colleges, and works together in professional settings.
- This varied upbringing brings in diverse mindset into personal and professional relationships. They work together, socialize and move around in public/private spaces. This frequent access and close proximity to the other gender is not easy to handle. Personal boundaries seem to be ambiguous and vague. Anyone who is not skilled enough to handle such situations might step into controvertible territory.
- Working women remain under unnecessary scrutiny, and are judged for their outfits, choice of drink, and free lifestyles. Their actions and behaviours are easily misconstrued.
- A girl who is talking freely, expressing her opinions or feelings openly, and sharing jokes and laughter might be interpreted wrongly. ‘Hansi to Phasi’, ‘Chalu’, ‘Bahut forward hai’, ‘Available hai’ are some of the remarks that are frequently exchanged among male fraternity.
- Although there are many successful women who have pioneered and established themselves in every field, but majority still finds themselves target of misogynous and sexist attitude at work place.
- Women have been seen as docile, subservient and submissive in most of the households by men. Very often, this role reversal is not taken kindly by men as well as the older generation of women.
- Empowered women might seem to be a threatening concept especially in male dominated professional domains. They face discrimination, are underpaid, and have to prove their worth over and over again.
- With multiple responsibilities of running a household, taking care of kids on one hand, and attaining successful professional life, they are generally overstretched. The menfolk generally remain noncontributing members in the household. They expect special treatment rather than being equal partners.
- This needs to change as boundaries of gender-based roles dissolve the moment woman of the house steps outside as working professional.
- Running a family can become more harmonious when both partners respect and care about each other. Kids also learn to understand concept of division of labour and start taking responsibilities.
- We have to build an effective narrative around shared household responsibilities. Men have to learn to be constructive partners by sharing responsibilities while leaving their egos behind.
How to deal with Misogyny?
Misogyny is as real as any other prejudice; but it is not
pertinent to resort to androgyny to counter it. I feel women have to move from pseudo feminism, and men have to start being gender neutral. There has to be a balance. If there are two unequal lines,
we don’t have to erase the bigger line to make the two lines equal. The right
approach is to extend the shorter line to make the two equals.
How young men can contribute to change the present scenario?
How young men can contribute to change the present scenario?
- I feel that men of the present generation will have to work hard towards achieving this goal. They’ve to include the older generations in this wave of change to make it more effective. Up to a certain stage the progeny learns from their parents, but there comes a time when parents have to listen to their progeny.
- Financial independence brings freedom to live one’s own life. Parents have hardly any say in their choices anymore. This is the right time to re-evaluate outdated values and thought process, and integrate liberal mindset for growth and betterment of society.
- I’m not saying that you dump whatever you’ve learnt since childhood, but re-examine, and reconsider what is irrelevant in this age. Gender biases, patriarchy, social and religious prejudices, orthodox thinking, untouchability, classism should have no place in the present-day society.
- Most of the youngsters do undergo this change in mindset, but they prefer to keep it to themselves as there is fear of nonacceptance and disapproval from their parents.
- Since most of them come from small cities, towns and villages, a stark divide exists between their mindset and that of their parents. So, they live a dual life portraying different persona back home and a different way of life in cities and metros.
- Young generation has to understand that respect and fear are two different things. Fear encourages concealing and withholding, respect encourages open discussions. I feel better communication with parents can help change the mindset and dispel myths about gender biases.
Why there is a great divide between expectations of parents
and kids? Is this social divide due to electronic and social media?
- I feel this divide is not wholly due to electronic and social media, but divide is quite evident between the two generations on social media itself. :) When the older generation started flooding the Facebook and WhatsApp, the younger generation quietly moved over to Instagram and twitter. Privacy matters!
- The same divide is evident in finding life partner. The parents are busy finding matches for their wards on ‘Jeevansathi.com’, and ‘Shaadi.com’, while the wards are thronging dating sites for casual and live-in relationships. So, the divide is more about difference in perception about how to lead ones’ life.
- Younger generation is definitely influenced by western culture that has invaded our society through digital media, and they want to live life on their own terms.
- There is increase in marriageable age as they don’t want to hurry up into a relationship. Before getting married they want to spend quality time together to know more about each other.
- Some of them also develop commitment issues, some are skeptical about choosing a partner, but one thing is for sure, they want to do their own things, make their own decisions, and won’t budge under parental pressure.
- We can’t predict the future outcome of the above-mentioned actions of the present generation as its repercussions will be visible during the next decade. But one thing is for sure, parents have to learn to adjust their expectations, and adapt as per the changing times.
How to create gender neutral personal and professional space?
What can men do to be better human beings?
- Gender neutrality is the idea that policies, language, and other social institutions should avoid distinguishing roles based on people's sex or gender, in order to avoid discrimination.
- We can start by introducing gender-neutral vocabulary in daily usage which doesn’t depicts gender-specific reference to roles or professions. Using words like flight attendant, actors, police officer, chairperson, avoidance of the gender-based pronouns like ‘he’, ‘she’ and replace it with ‘one’ or ‘they’ as singular word are some examples. In professional spaces, a code of conduct can be established to avoid gender-based discrimination.
- Move away from gender-based roles in personal lives. Enjoy being a family together, taking care of each other’s needs. Giving gender neutral toys and books to your children is a great way to start building an open mindset.
- There are certain things men have to inculcate to move away from sexist mindset.
- Men have to learn to perceive beyond gender-based physicality, as it leads to objectification of women. Understand that women are not source of pleasure seeking. Interacting at higher cognitive plane can ensure fair communication.
- Respecting personal body space of women you work with, will earn you respect. Women have a strong sixth sense, they tend to see through your motives and intent, but they still give you a benefit of doubt. Don’t lose that chance to be a better human being.
- Even in a relationship, making moves against will of your partner is not a fair deal. Emotional and verbal abuse also scars badly.
- If your advances have been rejected or refused, don’t harbour revenge and hatred. Don’t feel insulted by bringing your ego into it. Love and relationships don’t work one way. Learn to respect her wish. Finding the right partner is a long and laborious process, don’t be obsessed with a woman who doesn’t feel you are not the right partner for her. Move on; You’ll find a better match.
- Consent for sexual relations has to be verbal and given willingly. It should not be based on misconstrued or imaginary signals. It is prerogative of both the partners to decide what is best for them. Mutual consent is prerequisite to go ahead in a relationship.
- Most of the people are aware of concept like respect, personal choice, and setting personal limits, but stereotypical thought process leads to dichotomous behaviour. The same person can be protector of his mother and sister, and attacker or rapist for another girl.
- Mothers can play a greater role in shaping a gender-neutral mindset in their sons, so that they grow up to be better human being.
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