Parent - child relationship in humans is very unique in its own way. It's only the human offspring which is totally defenseless, vulnerable and susceptible to all threats or dangers, and is dependent for survival on the adult caregiver for such a long time. In a typical patriarchal home setting , gender roles are well defined with complete division of labour, as father plays a pivotal role of protecting, being the pillar of strength by providing security, and being the financial provider, mother is emotional anchor. Generally in most of the species, female plays a larger role in upbringing and nursing of the offspring as, maternal instincts are naturally present in the female and they further enhance when she gives birth.
Indian mothers happen to play this role diligently and they are the basic caregiver to nurse and feed the new born. They are very dedicated, affectionate and yet authoritative in their approach towards their kids. They have a sense of deep attachment and treat the child to be extension of self. In most cases, they are ready to even sacrifice personal and professional life for providing a safe upbringing to their child. All their basic demands like food, water air, sleep, shelter, warmth along with safety, security, and love, are met with great care and somewhat perfection, as per the age based need of the child. Unlike
other countries where the child is made to sleep in the nursery or a
nanny is hired to look after the infant, in India, the child is not left
unattended whether its day or night. The mother plays a protector and child generally sleeps with the
parents (much to the annoyance of husband) and is provided separate room only when he/she is able to
manage on it's own and is somewhat grown up.
Any problem of their child becomes their personal problem, and evokes mixed emotional response, varying from anger, guilt, shame, reprimand, as well as showering love with lots of tears. And these emotions are projected on to the offspring in varying degrees depending upon situation and prevailing mood.
This interaction continues very effectively and successfully till... the child becomes an adolescent. With the surge of hormones and shifting focus from primary care giver to the peer group, suddenly, the 'child' is no more in awe of the parents and finds that there are other sources of finding information, knowledge, love and entertainment. The priority of the adolescent changes, but the priority of the mother remains the same! She doesn't want to let go of her offspring as she fears that the big, bad world may cause hurt, harm and damage to her child whom she has protected with great care. She is so used to taking care of the 'child' that she totally forgets that the 'child' is now an adolescent, with different and additional basic needs, biggest being curiosity and compulsion about sex. It's so confusing and embarrassing for the adolescents to hide their needs from the primary caregiver as in our society sex is treated as taboo and not as a basic human need. They get information, and satisfy their curiosity about this basic need from sources which may or may not be credible or authentic. Parents fail to understand that this particular basic need is going to be integral part of their life through out adulthood.
So, the adolescents embark on this teen journey, curious and without the help of primary caregiver, who has seen them through thick and thin of this perilous journey of childhood. They hides their needs, emotions, and source of seeking knowledge about sex from parents and seek it from peer group, porn literature and websites, because, websites explaining sex process scientifically, are less in number, not interesting enough, not titillating, exciting and appealing. The adolescent, since has to satiate the hunger for knowledge, seeks privacy and freedom from the shackles of motherhood. But, mother is still sailing with full ownership rights, on the same boat of love, affection, taking care of all basic needs (except for the most important curiosity of the phase). If an adolescent is caught seeking 'knowledge' or venting out, instead of educating appropriately, they are shamed, reprimanded and punished for the wrong deed.
Every human behaviour gets shaped by conditioning, but when it comes to this basic need, the force to fulfill it are too strong to control. The existence of human race depends on the reproduction, so nature makes sure that this need comes with full force and is fulfilled overriding all logic and intellect. Whereas, the parents can't comprehend this simple natural phenomena, the same way they couldn't comprehend what changed in them when they were adolescent and so easily forget that crucial phase through which every human being traverses.
So, instead of making this journey simpler and convenient for their offspring, they make it tough by doling out shame, intimidating, quoting orthodox, outdated religious, moral and societal values and exert excessive control, with threats to mend ways or else suffer the consequences. Now what do the adolescents do? They hide their indiscretions from the parents and they harbour guilt, shame and practice discreetness about sex, resulting in not seeking help when it comes to any sexual problem in adulthood. Most of the youngsters don't even know about proper hygiene and maintenance of their genital organs because the area is associated with shame. They look for exit strategies to leave home as soon as they are financially independent, so that they can have a private life with no embargo and interference from the parents who never approve of their way of life.
It's not that the adolescent doesn't need love, affection, care and support of the parents. but, hugging may sound embarrassment to some of them, and affection or over caring might seem to be a shackle or chain. What they need is unconditional love and a place to come back to, in case they make a mistake or are unsuccessful in their perilous journey. A place where they will not be judged, ridiculed or humiliated for their mistakes, and will be supported and encouraged for taking a chance again to face this tough, arduous journey called life.
Another thing that changes in male adolescent in this journey to adulthood is, to cultivate a sense of being an achiever, a self - reliant grown up adult, who will have to seek life partner and establish his own setup, where he is going to be the head of the family, and head of the family can't be weak!
It's not that the growing and evolving 'child' doesn't give hints of changing winds to the parents, but it's the parents who don't sense it and are unable to adjust the mast as per the changing tides and keep sailing and steering in the same direction with full force, resulting in conflicts. Aim is not to get washed away by the blinding tidal waves of the unconcerned, inexperienced, naive and unacquainted youth, but, be selective and judicious towards their demands while inserting sense of maturity, wisdom, sophistication, sense of responsibility and respect for all living beings. It's give and take, what you give will come back to you. It's said that the young be treated as friends, but, even friendships succeed when we adhere to some norms of mutual respect, unbiased and non- judgemental attitude, honour each other as adult, be honest in communications and love unconditionally.
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